9 Nobyembre 2013
Writing for me has always been a secret confidante who is never too tired or jaded to listen to whatever it is that I have to say or..afraid to say. It will never judge you for being in the same predicament again. Or for lacking the foresight that you confidently think you had.
I would like to believe that I got this love situation highlighted and bulleted to perfection, with emphasis on my shortcomings or whatever it is that I could have done more. But with last night's sleep that involved more tossing and turning than the actual act of slumber, I think I would have to re-evaluate myself.
I was never the nagger or the type of woman who demands her man's time like she owns it. I would always prefer to be given the time which was freely prioritized for me. Mas masarap naman kasi talaga sa pakiramdam ang bigyan ka ng oras kaysa sa humingi ka pa ng oras di ba?
I was never the girl who wants someone else's life to revolve around her. I prefer him to live his life to the fullest while Im helping him achieve his dreams. I always want to bring out the best in him even if it means that we cant always be together as much as we would want to. I enjoy hearing his stories about his world and the people in it. Im amazed by the fact that Im falling more in love with him with each passing day no matter how draining our professional lives can get.
But today..I woke up unhappy. The thought of him in such close proximity to his past left a numbing feeling in my head. Past conversations drifted randomly and I had to reassure myself of where I stood. I trust him when he said that he wont do anything to hurt me even if they were in the same company. I dont need assurance like most women do. I can actually stand my ground and straightly believe words.
But I dont like the feeling of being "hidden" but in plain view. I can clearly recall when he was asked if Im his girlfriend. He didnt say no. But he didnt say yes either. That left a sharp throb in my heart that I just choose to let on to not prolong the conversation. He was just trying to keep the things between us exactly that..between us. He said that he's not the type to announce about his relationship. And I fully understand that because its a lot simpler when few people are involved and the privacy is kept preserved. But its a whole different story when the one asking is his past.
I felt like some secret that he doesnt want to address. But above all, I felt sad..because for the third time in my life, I am still not the woman that a man answers "yes, she's my girl and I am in love with her" whenever an ex girlfriend would ask. I am always just the acquiantance..or the dormate..or the classmate. Always just that.....
From here to where you are,