Almost is never enough.

26 Nobyembre 2013
Martes. Tanauan City.

My gauge meter as to how tired I am is based on what I wear to sleep. Tonight I collapsed in my bed still wearing my work clothes, surprisingly able to manage to unhook the strap that's been binding me the whole day. I woke up a couple of hours later with a panicked reaction thinking that it's already the next day and that I might be late for work. But it was just 9pm. I was so tired that my 2-hour sleep felt like 7. And body running on caffeine, I didnt feel the need to eat dinner too. I was so tired that my system can't process anything else.

I was tired on three counts. Physically. Mentally. And emotionally. Im quite baffled as to how I can still write this entry for posterity. Physical tiredness came from a final inspection which required us to travel for four hours back and forth to the site. It was so far-flung that my phone signal abandoned me without hesitation upon that first stretch of rough road and my ears popped from such high elevation. But this kind of adventure makes me love my profession more. It makes me see things for the first time like the Lake of Taal in such close view or the countless fish cages that I used to just see as flickering lights by the water everytime I drink my coffee in Tagaytay City. This kind of adventure allows me to see our designs from paper turn into something real and tangible ready to serve its purpose for the communities. And more often than not, physical tiredness is the easiest to ease.

Mental tiredness came from the board exam I took over the weekend. Taking it for the fifth time certainly rearranged my perspective. And waiting for the result tomorrow night is nerve wracking when I think about how much I want to pass....Im keeping the faith and I hope that this time it will be different. That this time, my name will finally be on THAT list.

As for the emotional tiredness, I guess this one is the hardest to appease. No amount of sleep or tears can pacify the feeling. I wrote on a random piece of paper this morning "What hurts more:  being lied to or finding out?". Being in a long distance relationship requires so much more trust from each other compared to normal relationships where you're able to see the person you love on a regular basis. You only rely on his words. On what he CHOOSE to tell you. So when you get lied at more than once, it honestly shakes the foundation. And then he reinforces it with three words. Sobrang sakit pagsinungalingan. Lalo na kung galing pa yun sa taong mahal na mahal mo T_T Its like being unworthy of honesty. Naisip ko tuloy marami na siguro akong pagkukulang para hindi maging sapat pagsabihan ng totoo...

From here to where you are,
Khryss