03 Marso 2014
Lunes. Anywhere but here.

Pagod na pagod na ako. And yet Im still standing. Looking out for him in a way that even comes surprising even to myself.  Why do tears always win.

From here to where you are,



02 Disyembre 2013

I think everyone deserves to not be impeccably mannered or politically correct all the time. We all have that certain "Shit. This damn feeling has been getting familiar for two years already. You've been studying your whole life." moments or something along those lines.

I remember that exact moment when the proctor approached me to fill up a brand new exam card. BRAND NEW. And I was writing at the top. I was required to fill up a new card cause yes, unfortunately, I managed to fail the board enough times to fill up one whole freakin card. It was self depreciation at its finest. Nakakaiga ng respeto sa sarili ung oras na un. I was about to breakdown and cry but thought otherwise as even my tears could render the answer sheet invalid if it fell.

I went full circle. Almost like a first time exam taker with blind courage to just go for it. I closed my eyes and endured it. Endure was an understatement if compared to thoae two years of failing repeatedly. And now here we go again.

From here to where you are,


Almost is never enough.

26 Nobyembre 2013
Martes. Tanauan City.

My gauge meter as to how tired I am is based on what I wear to sleep. Tonight I collapsed in my bed still wearing my work clothes, surprisingly able to manage to unhook the strap that's been binding me the whole day. I woke up a couple of hours later with a panicked reaction thinking that it's already the next day and that I might be late for work. But it was just 9pm. I was so tired that my 2-hour sleep felt like 7. And body running on caffeine, I didnt feel the need to eat dinner too. I was so tired that my system can't process anything else.

I was tired on three counts. Physically. Mentally. And emotionally. Im quite baffled as to how I can still write this entry for posterity. Physical tiredness came from a final inspection which required us to travel for four hours back and forth to the site. It was so far-flung that my phone signal abandoned me without hesitation upon that first stretch of rough road and my ears popped from such high elevation. But this kind of adventure makes me love my profession more. It makes me see things for the first time like the Lake of Taal in such close view or the countless fish cages that I used to just see as flickering lights by the water everytime I drink my coffee in Tagaytay City. This kind of adventure allows me to see our designs from paper turn into something real and tangible ready to serve its purpose for the communities. And more often than not, physical tiredness is the easiest to ease.

Mental tiredness came from the board exam I took over the weekend. Taking it for the fifth time certainly rearranged my perspective. And waiting for the result tomorrow night is nerve wracking when I think about how much I want to pass....Im keeping the faith and I hope that this time it will be different. That this time, my name will finally be on THAT list.

As for the emotional tiredness, I guess this one is the hardest to appease. No amount of sleep or tears can pacify the feeling. I wrote on a random piece of paper this morning "What hurts more:  being lied to or finding out?". Being in a long distance relationship requires so much more trust from each other compared to normal relationships where you're able to see the person you love on a regular basis. You only rely on his words. On what he CHOOSE to tell you. So when you get lied at more than once, it honestly shakes the foundation. And then he reinforces it with three words. Sobrang sakit pagsinungalingan. Lalo na kung galing pa yun sa taong mahal na mahal mo T_T Its like being unworthy of honesty. Naisip ko tuloy marami na siguro akong pagkukulang para hindi maging sapat pagsabihan ng totoo...

From here to where you are,



11 Nobyembre 2013
Lunes. Tanauan City.

I hear my bones cracking as I lay down in bed breathing. I put my feet up against the wall and check if there are any marks of my being unhealthy again. None. Except for the red patches on my upper body caused by skin asthma which was further triggered by the lack of power supply at the office the whole day, I look pretty healthy. I even gained weight :)

But I feel very tired. Drained at some extent. How long am I going to put myself in this treacherous process. Just thinking of how many days I have left before the board literally weakens me.

I need that embrace that is so tight that it can put the broken pieces back together...

From here to where you are,



9 Nobyembre 2013

Writing for me has always been a secret confidante who is never too tired or jaded to listen to whatever it is that I have to say or..afraid to say. It will never judge you for being in the same predicament again. Or for lacking the foresight that you confidently think you had.

I would like to believe that I got this love situation highlighted and bulleted to perfection, with emphasis on my shortcomings or whatever it is that I  could have done more. But with last night's sleep that involved more tossing and turning than the actual act of slumber, I think I would have to re-evaluate myself.

I was never the nagger or the type of woman who demands her man's time like she owns it. I would always prefer to be given the time which was freely prioritized for me. Mas masarap naman kasi talaga sa pakiramdam ang bigyan ka ng oras kaysa sa humingi ka pa ng oras di ba?

I was never the girl who wants someone else's life to revolve around her. I prefer him to live his life to the fullest while Im helping him achieve his dreams. I always want to bring out the best in him even if it means that we cant always be together as much as we would want to. I enjoy hearing his stories about his world and the people in it. Im amazed by the fact that Im falling more in love with him with each passing day no matter how draining our professional lives can get.

But today..I woke up unhappy. The thought of him in such close proximity to his past left a numbing feeling in my head. Past conversations drifted randomly and I had to reassure myself of where I stood. I trust him when he said that he wont do anything to hurt me even if they were in the same company. I dont need assurance like most women do. I can actually stand my ground and straightly believe words.

But I dont like the feeling of being "hidden" but in plain view. I can clearly recall when he was asked if Im his girlfriend. He didnt say no. But he didnt say yes either. That left a sharp throb in my heart that I just choose to let on to not prolong the conversation. He was just trying to keep the things between us exactly that..between us. He said that he's not the type to announce about his relationship. And I fully understand that because its a lot simpler when few people are involved and the privacy is kept preserved. But its a whole different story when the one asking is his past.

I felt like some secret that he doesnt want to address. But above all, I felt sad..because for the third time in my life, I am still not the woman that a man answers "yes, she's my girl and I am in love with her" whenever an ex girlfriend would ask. I am always just the acquiantance..or the dormate..or the classmate. Always just that.....

From here to where you are,



24  Disyembre 2012
Lunes. 9:59PM
White Beach, Puerto Galera.

     2012 was not the easiest year for me. I got sick for almost 8 months, I failed the Civil Engineering Licensure twice and....I got my heart broken shattered into a million tiny pieces. I woke up feeling robbed of my dream and my reason all at once. It's like going to war then surviving only to know that you're heading for another war without assurance of coming out the same. 
     It was the first time in my life that I literally didn't know what to do next. I just laid in bed for days, not doing absolutely anything. I just laid there. I didn't cry, which up to now scares me as Im afraid that Im shielding myself from my own emotions and that everything that happened has brought so much anaesthetic effect that tears don't come anymore. 

    The most common remark I get from people is of how strong I am as a person, that I get through anything with the brightest smile on my face like facing hurdles for me is as normal as going for an early morning run. 

*deep breath*

    Its Christmas..I will continue this entry some other time. For tonight, I shall put on my mask and pretend that Im the happiest girl in the world.

From here to where you are,


Securing my insecurities.

14 Setyembre 2012
Biyernes. 12:56PM
At home in Batangas City.

       Turning 22 in two days time gives me a reason to hold a self audit on this aspect of my life which I should let go of to make room for better ones. And though past experiences make it extremely hard for me to shake off this bad habit, I will do it as a birthday gift to myself.

       Almost everyone has some hidden insecurity, from trivial, inconsequential stuff to deep-seated bitterness. And I think that it's human nature to not like everything about yourself, its actually quite helpful if your manner towards dealing with it is through self-improvement. But in my case, it turned out a little differently.

       As a teenager, I was always insecure of my Snow White skin because I think I don't look healthy enough, I was insecure of my crooked teeth because all of the girls in my class had perfect pearly whites. I was insecure of my own style because I dress differently from the rest, I felt weird because I didn't blend in. Fast forward to present, my insecurities translated into another form: self comparison. Why can she travel abroad and I cant? Why does his family loves her so much and not me? Why is she so much well off than I am? Why does she makes me feel like she's taking my place in front of everybody else? Why do they have so much history together and not with me?

       After going through this vicious cycle countless of times, I woke up defeated from my own thoughts and comparisons. I woke up with a bad feeling in my stomach because I let myself succumb to my insecurities. Insecurities are worthless, but ironically, that's exactly how it makes you feel at the end of the day, worthless. It eats you up from the inside and though people try to help you, it will all be futile if you don't snap out of it yourself. It's your insecurities, that's why only you can secure it. 

       I realized that health has nothing to do with my complexion, it comes from my lifestyle and that being mestiza is something that I should be proud of  =)  I realized that crooked teeth must not stop me from smiling with the world and that it's really more about being thankful that I have lots of reasons to be happy (but of course wearing braces wouldn't hurt either ^^). I realized that being weird equates to being unique, to being comfortable enough to express my own individuality and that standing out is the preferred outcome more than blending in. And finally, I realized that no matter how much I compare myself with her, I wouldn't be her. In the same way that she wouldn't be me. We both have our own individual set of struggles, passions and people who make us happy. Being insecure won't make me any more of who she is, it actually makes me less of who I really should be. So for turning 22, I will give myself the gift of my own peace of mind. I will let go of my insecurities and I will not stop myself from being happy =)

From here to where you are,