14 Setyembre 2012
At home in Batangas City.
Turning 22 in two days time gives me a reason to hold a self audit on this aspect of my life which I should let go of to make room for better ones. And though past experiences make it extremely hard for me to shake off this bad habit, I will do it as a birthday gift to myself.
Almost everyone has some hidden insecurity, from trivial, inconsequential stuff to deep-seated bitterness. And I think that it's human nature to not like everything about yourself, its actually quite helpful if your manner towards dealing with it is through self-improvement. But in my case, it turned out a little differently.
As a teenager, I was always insecure of my Snow White skin because I think I don't look healthy enough, I was insecure of my crooked teeth because all of the girls in my class had perfect pearly whites. I was insecure of my own style because I dress differently from the rest, I felt weird because I didn't blend in. Fast forward to present, my insecurities translated into another form: self comparison. Why can she travel abroad and I cant? Why does his family loves her so much and not me? Why is she so much well off than I am? Why does she makes me feel like she's taking my place in front of everybody else? Why do they have so much history together and not with me?
After going through this vicious cycle countless of times, I woke up defeated from my own thoughts and comparisons. I woke up with a bad feeling in my stomach because I let myself succumb to my insecurities. Insecurities are worthless, but ironically, that's exactly how it makes you feel at the end of the day, worthless. It eats you up from the inside and though people try to help you, it will all be futile if you don't snap out of it yourself. It's your insecurities, that's why only you can secure it.
I realized that health has nothing to do with my complexion, it comes from my lifestyle and that being mestiza is something that I should be proud of =) I realized that crooked teeth must not stop me from smiling with the world and that it's really more about being thankful that I have lots of reasons to be happy (but of course wearing braces wouldn't hurt either ^^). I realized that being weird equates to being unique, to being comfortable enough to express my own individuality and that standing out is the preferred outcome more than blending in. And finally, I realized that no matter how much I compare myself with her, I wouldn't be her. In the same way that she wouldn't be me. We both have our own individual set of struggles, passions and people who make us happy. Being insecure won't make me any more of who she is, it actually makes me less of who I really should be. So for turning 22, I will give myself the gift of my own peace of mind. I will let go of my insecurities and I will not stop myself from being happy =)
From here to where you are,